i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
