I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
