In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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