is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
