so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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