why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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