In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
