i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
