D3 body, D1 cock
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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