hotel room ftw
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
