i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
