those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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