Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
