I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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