Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
