Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
