she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
