Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
