I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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