my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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