so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize