hell yes lets make some ravioli
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
