plz talk dirty to me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
