Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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