your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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