Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
cat food counts as protein by the way
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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