we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
