I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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