sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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