So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
