Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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