Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize