i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
