if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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