At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
