I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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