I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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