your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
