Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there's paper in my vomit.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
