I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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