you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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