So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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