Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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