im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
