I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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