The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
