I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
