my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
