it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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