and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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