We named our party play list daddy issues
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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