Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
