'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
