My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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