When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
