she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
