a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
