you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
