I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
